Spider-Man

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Spider-Man showing off his patented fighting moves, now widely copied in Ultimate Fighting competitions.
Spider-Man showing off his patented fighting moves, now widely copied in Ultimate Fighting competitions.

Spider-Man is a comic book superhero who fights crime while dressed in a skin-tight spandex costume that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, and prancing around like Mikhail Baryshnikov on methamphetamines. While his powers are derived from the deep, nether regions of the scientific dark arts, true heroes admire him as a paragon of the promise nuclear power holds for all Americans.

Contents

[edit] Bio

His secret identity is a teenage wanker by the name of Peter Parker. After he's bitten by a radioactive spider while peeping in the bedroom window of high-school hottie Mary Jane Watson, Parker gains the ability to do whatever a spider can, i.e., spinning a web any size and catching thieves in said web just like flies. Now, read this section closely bud, because Spider-Man's got the radioactive blood, and if you take a look overhead, more than likely you'll see him swinging by on a thread. You see, to Spider-man, life is just a great big bang up, but wherever there is a hang up, you're gonna find your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, cause that's just how he rolls.

While Spider-Man began life as a comic book hero, he has since broken the fourth wall and actually saved the world multiple times with the help of Kevin Spacey and Brian Singer. He presently owns several large estates in New Jersey and runs an illegal dog-fighting operation.

Lately, Spider-Man has received criticism for his insistence on wearing a mask. Not only does this smack of S&M[1], but any good American will tell you that anyone who wears a mask is hiding something. Stephen Colbert has never once worn a mask. Never. Ever. Not even on Halloween[2].

Watch out Peter Parker, you wouldn't like Stephen when he's angry. See: The Rampaging Colbert

Peter Parker, you're On Notice!

[edit] Movies

Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man, spidey senses all a-tingle, prepares to sling sticky webs into the faces of his enemies.
Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man, spidey senses all a-tingle, prepares to sling sticky webs into the faces of his enemies.

Due to the comic book's enormous popularity amongst 18-24 male virgins, aka the most desirable advertising demographic, Spider-Man has now migrated to the silver screen in a series of movies directed by the great and powerful Sam Raimi, friend of lantern-jawed Bruce Campbell[3], aka Bubba Ho-Tep, "The Old Spice Dude", and Mr. Choppy Hand.

In the films, Spidey is played by Tobey Maguire, one of the more gay actors in Babylon today. The films can basically be summarized as follows: Peter Parker crying, Mary Jane crying, Aunt May crying, the villain crying, the other villain crying, the other other villain crying, Peter Parker acting like an idiot, then crying about it, all interspersed by zany, computer-animated fight scenes[4] followed by some crying.

Luckily, Americans love the sight of tears on an actors face,[5] and the movies have become the top-grossing motion pictures of all time, shattering box office records. Therefore, by the Law of the Free Market[6], they are also the best movies of all time [7].

Tobey "Sweetcheeks" Maguire has starred as Spider-Man in 6 films thus far. They are as follows:

  • Spider-Man 1: Spider-Man's Crazy Gumball Adventure
  • Spider-Man 2: Spider-Man joins the Navy
  • Titanic
  • Spiderman 22: Spider-Man kicks the shit out of Naruto because secretely he's a Bear and a gay minotaur

  • Spider Man VS Freddy VS Jason VS Aliens VS Predator VS The Kansas State Board of Education (The Kansas State Board of Education won that battle with its super intelligent design powers).

[edit] Links

[edit] Notes

  1. ↑ HAHAHA!!! Get it?!?!
  2. ↑ Halloween is the Baby Satan's birthday, and should never be celebrated by any true, Hell-fearing American.
  3. ↑ Read his book, called "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor".
  4. ↑ Catch the slap-fight between Spidey and Venom (Topher Grace) in Spider-Man the Third!
  5. ↑ Robert Gates, Compassionate Conservatism
  6. ↑ $$$=Good
  7. ↑ Fuck you, Citizen Kane!
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